During the dissertation phase, I felt like I was in a glass maze I saw the end over here so I went over here. It wasn’t there. Idiot. That’s not the way! Why would you think this is the way!? The end is that way I was told. So I went that way. Money money money. Student loan check. A Nother several thousand dollars for tuition check. Stupid! Everyone knows that is not the way. Faculty didn’t say that to me. I said that to me. So if you find yourself calling yourself very ugly names, stop it! You are not in a PhD program because you are stupid! Remember that!
Do you find yourself doubting your abilities? Wondering oh my gosh what was I thinking?! I am not good enough to be Dr. Elmyra (or Dr. Elmer) Fudd!!! And, duh! everyone around me knows that and can see right through me laughing under their breath, shaking their head thinking she (he) will never make it. She (He) will quit/flunk out. She (he) is trying to be someone she (he) is not good enough to be!
Oh, ok! I am the only one who in PhD school who ever felt that way! Right? Please, don’t leave me out to dry!
My PhD program was all online. I truly believe that environment really festers (oops, Freudian slip, I meant fosters) that sense of feeling oh I am so stupid! I have been an online and classroom student alternately so speaking as a student and have taught online and face-to-face so had both sides of the computer/podium screen so I have creds (ha, not going to furnish on this blog cause I don’t haff to-nanynany-booboo!)
Now that I made it out the other end, please let me encourage any of you poor soles in the thick of it, especially if in the Horrors of ABD phase that may admittedly or secretly feel like I did, you really are where you are because you are qualified. You were hand-picked. Programs with the highest degree on the planet don’t just willy-nilly pick folks just cause they show a willingness to pay out the nose to be subjected to such EXTREEEME torture.
YOU CAN DO DIS!!!!
YOU WERE CHOSEN!!!!! Believe!
Did you see the movie Ever After?! Of course not. you are in PhD school. Well at the end, there is a song that has extremely scholarly lyrics. They are:
I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE (ok then it does take a quick break and adds “in love” but now you interject the very PhD answer “in my ability to finish school including this ABD phase; I can do this cause I was hand-picked and would not be here if I couldn’t do it” cause you know no PhD response is as easy as “I believe in love”. Uh, duh, that doesn’t sound very philosophical, right?!
I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE in that very long quote above. HeeHee.
I think it is becoming clear that I wrongly named this blog. I didn’t really know where it was going but I wanted to talk about my experiences like a completely non-self centered person would want to do, right?!
Well, i did my dissertation research using qualitative research so…….what happens as you go along? you make new discoveries and you often change the course of your research. Exploratory research is like that, right? Ok all you PhD grads and students, mull that over a while and tell me how that statement isn’t completely accurate or needs more clarification to better delineate what is meant by my statement. ROTFL-I sound like a Big Bang Theory line. HAHAHA! Go me!
Ok Professor, back on track! Anyway! I think it would be much more fun (and safer) to share my experiences while in PhD school and the BEST (ok optimal outcome sounds more scholarly, who cares) would be to provide for the poor souls in PhD school especially ADD (oops, I meant ABD) poorest of souls, especially those online PhD students, poorest-est of souls in isolation with a network of other poor, poorest, poorest-est of souls (Oh did I do a run-on sentence. Better consult the writing center). So we can all, well you can all feel each other’s pain, despair and agony. But be encouraged that you are not the only voluntary victim to the torture.
Success! I think I figured out how to attach the document.
I love Dr. Bannon’s last sentence in this write-up:
“It seems the most successful doctoral students and intended victims in a horror film have one thing in common, no matter how bleak the outlook they never give up!”